Mar 8 – Letters to my Ex

I cleaned my room today but did not see any cockroach. Meow came over just as I finished mopping the parquet floor. Luckily he was a little late. I was supposed to feed the dogs as dad went to Ipoh to visit Uncle Me-eh (Ismail), his ‘si-foo’. Uncle Me-eh is in coma, according to dad, his colon is badly infected. But dad came back early, he said he would feed them. I was tired and hungry anyway. Dad bought Ipoh’s famous ‘Chow Liu’ (more or less like those in Yong Tau Foo but these are tastier).

Meow showered. I found my 2002’s diary while cleaning the room. He wanted to read…inside got 5 letters addressed to my ex, written by me in that year. I dun remember what I wrote. I went to shower while he read. After the 3rd letter, he was very quiet and said he wanna sleep. I am not sure if he was upset or what. I read the 5 letters myself when Meow was napping. Ya, u must be wondering why those letters are still with me if addressed to my ex.

As my ex is not a sentimental person, he does not keep things like this. So, rather than thrashing the letters to dunno where, he asked me to keep back.

There were no year marked, only month and date, but I mentioned about my sis’ convocation and ex being away for a month in Xiamen, China, so it was 2002 then. That was the 2nd year of my courtship with ex and we were already facing problems. I felt insecure and couldn’t deal with his ego. I missed him dearly when he was away, he never even said he missed or loved me for that one month…until the last week before he came back…even then, it was me who said it first. I was very upset and disappointed to the fact he wasn’t eager to meet me (I missed him and was counting the days to see him again) when he touched down in Penang. He told me that he was afraid his parents would say that he wasn’t a good son, only thinking of his gf. Most of the time, I was saddened by how he prioritise his family/career/sports/friends/football matches (TV & bettings) over me. 1..2..3..4..5…5 fingers, one hand liao…I told him, I came 6th in ranking. He never did deny, perhaps silence was his best defense. I even wrote him a poem in the last letter :

True love speaks of feelings
Sometimes words of nothing
It matters not with the beginning
Or how perfect is the ending
For our faith will keep us going
Stronger and ever – promising !

Hah !! I guess he never did appreciate my love. It’s all history now. I have Meow now. I’ve found my sentimental guy. But sometimes when I think of my past, I fear that it will repeat. I feel rather insecure nowadays…I am afraid that Meow might just leave me or tell me that he lost his feelings for me, just like my ex. I know I am silly to worry…but having gone thru such deep pain, I am not taking chances. I am having problem dealing with my insecurities…I think it kind of affects Meow as well. Hopefully he’s understanding enough.

We did not go out for dinner, just ate the ‘Chow Liu’. He left around 12 something. I missed him even before he left. He’s supposed to call me when reach home but till now still not yet leh…1.17pm he SMSed me, said still in coffee shop, will call me later. Hmm…coffee shop ? With who ??!! I wanted to call him immediately or ask who with but I did not. Instead, I calmly replied “Ok, take care”. I should trust him right. Ok, shall wait patiently and see what he says lo.

B.Nee’s back from England and she called from Gigi’s place. We will go visit Karen & C.Yong tomorrow nite to see their new born baby. Called P.Lin earlier, she’s ok to join. It was nice talking to her…more like swearing…dunno why, vulgar words keeping popping out whenever I talk to her, or sis or bro. Well, she told me her 2nd ex got problem with the partner…suggested to move in with her (free ma, no need to pay rental). I scolded her to her sanity, that her ex just wanna squeeze more $ out of her and take advantage of her again. She laughed and promised won’t let that happen, well, she better makes sure of that ! Otherwise I will faint again…every time she ‘sat luin’ or wanna commit suicide, it’s sleepless nites for me.

1.35am, Meow called. He told me he went to have a drink with his badminton friends and to pass them cigarettes (his granny gave him). Well, he’s quitting smoking. But he smoked one just now…it’s one per week now…I hope so…he was a regular smoker but willing to quit for me. :) He started quitting when we broke off earlier…I know he’s willing to sacrifice for me…and it warms my heart every time I think of it…of coz I would grumble a bit when I ‘smelled’ cigarette from his breath. Praying that he’s able to quit completely.

PS: I called IDP Education and confirmed they have received my form. I called Elton, my hp dealer, he promised that my new hp will be ok by tomorrow.